Sunday, January 8, 2012

My Baby Registry (Or "The Last Things I'll Need Before I Go to Prison")

Apparently the Huffington Post has posted a mock Beyonce Baby Registry and I just couldn't resist posting one of my own in response.

So, without further ado, below is a list of what would be my "must haves" were I stupid insane enough to procreate. While there obviously will never be a need to actually purchase anything on this registry for me, I strongly encourage you to do so for anyone you know who is expecting. They will need everything on this list... they just don't know it yet.

1. Ball Gag- This one should be self explanatory. BONUS: Apparently they come in one size, so this should work for me until the kid moves out.

2. Sound Proofing Wall Foam- Who says a new parent has to go without sleep? I'll just slap some of this stuff on the nursery walls (I'll go with the dark grey color, little kids like it really dark), and I'll sleep like a... baby. Ha! HAHAHAHAHAHA! Oh, I'm funnnn-e.

3. Sound Proofing Blanket- The portable version, used mainly for car rides and dinners that actually take place *inside* a restaurant (used in conjunction with below).

4. 3-Door Folding Metal Crate- Because unlike every other obnoxious, self-serving doting parent in the world, I just don't want my precocious brat toddler running all over Kingdom Come in restaurants. The 3-door model makes for easy access to contents should contents start acting up, and the wire frame allows for dropping in those morsels I don't find fit to eat myself. Thankfully I'm a picky eater so there's no need to waste money ordering food from the Kid's Menu that little Ricky won't eat anyway!

5. Jumbo Trunk Organizer with Velcro Lining- Jumbo because a car seat should fit right in there and velcro because should I find myself without a car seat, I can just dress the kid in something fuzzy. I'll be sure to use the aforementioned "Sound Proofing Blanket" because I sure don't want to have to explain to the cops why my kid is in the trunk without a car seat.

6. Interior Satin Nickel Door Knob With Lock- I'll actually need several of these, one for each closet. I don't want to have to walk up the stairs just to put little Susie in her "quiet place," I'll need to have a "quiet place" within easy reach at all times.

7. Homeschooling For Dummies- "Homeschooling" because public schools are teaching Creationism and that scares the hell outta me (ha... HAHAHAHAHA!) "Dummies" because... DUH! It wasn't exactly brilliance that got me into this mess, now was it?

8. A Chastity Beltor The Male Chastity Device- Because let's face it, the fruit doesn't fall far from the tree and I do NOT want to have to do this again with grandchildren because little Ricky or little Susie can't keep it in their pants just like their Mommy. An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of "cure."

9. Stroke Rehabilitation: A Function-Based Approach- Because even though I will have been thrilled to finally get them the hell outta my house merrily send Ricky or Susie off to college, there's still that tuition bill to deal with.